If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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