If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Even my vagina gasped.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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