Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
