I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
