I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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