The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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