I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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