I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
