The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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