Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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