i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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