Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
