i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I want her autograph on my taint
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
