It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
