I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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