then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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