someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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