I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
