I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
