Non-Jews are for practice
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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