i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
In America we eat man semen.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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