So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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