At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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