i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
