we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Dick very happy bro
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
