I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
