god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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