Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
