I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
