I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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