I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
