I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
