hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
