Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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