I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
