I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
