I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
