I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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