TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
my liver is dry heaving
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
