I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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