So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
