just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
