You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
