so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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