It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
