She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
