I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
