I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
