it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i was born a porn star she said
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
