Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
